Friday, October 7, 2011

In Loving Memory of my Son

Looking back at my last post, I was so naive, yet, I had a feeling.... right?

Since then, I found out I was having a precious baby boy.  A precious boy that would fill my life with adventure and love and show me how to care for someone so much that I would do anything for.  I went and bought clothes and looked at cribs and felt my clothes tightening along with the hardness in my stomach.  I felt the uncomfortableness in my stomach while sleeping and the sickness every morning.  Oh!  And I don't forget about that constant backpain!

But through all that, I was so excited to have this baby inside of me.  To be able to see his face and see how he'd look at me and know how much he'd be spoiled even though I said he wouldn't.  I know I would have been the BEST mom ever.

All that changed on August 29th.  August 29th.

August 27th I went to the 3D ultrasound and invited my parents.  They still were unable to get a good picture and his heartbeat was at 118.  All other times it was about 160, so I wasn't too worried.  My baby seemed to be lazy!  He was just sleeping... that's all.  I was 20 weeks at this point.  Five months.  I still hadn't felt him move, but I read that new moms can take up to 21 weeks to feel him.  The 3D tech didn't seem worried, so even though I was, I felt it was just my normal worrisome ness.

The next day I sent my parents the crib sets I wanted and they were talking about setting up the crib they had for Cameron to stay at their house...

Then Monday, the 29th, I was making the baby shower list and e-mailing Elissa about what I wanted... when I got the call from my doctor.  He told me that the ultrasound tech called him and told him she felt there were some abnormalities... what???  I didn't think I was hearing right.  Abnormalities?  But she's not a doctor... she could be wrong, right?  He agreed, but said they sometimes could tell things and it's best to check it out asap.  I was in shock.  Complete shock.

I, at first, thought I'd work throughout the day and just make a doctors appointment.  But, literally, second by second, it started affecting me more.  I e-mailed Eric right away and told him to answer my call right now.  I stood up and told my lead, Scarlett, I needed to leave.  I think I started crying at that point... I don't remember, but I'm sure I did.  When it came out, it just hit me.  She saw me and someone was working on her computer at her desk and just told me okay.  I think we were short staffed that day so no one was available to take calls, so she put on my headset that she didn't know how to work.  I told her I'd sign in, but she just told me to go and seemed like she understood.  She knew something was wrong.  I walked quickly out of the building in shock... not knowing what to do... I was in a daze.

I called Eric 1, 2, 3 times and no answer.  My gosh!  Why wasn't he answering?  There were gardeners out there and I was afraid they'd hear me.  That they'd wonder why I was crying... why was this girl crying at work?  So unprofessional!  So, I tried to stay as hidden as I could, but it was hard.  Eric finally called me back and I told him what happened.  I started crying.  He told me to leave right now to the apartment and he'll meet me there.  I was glad he did that because I didn't know what to do.  I honestly think I would have tried to go back to work... what was I thinking???!

I hung up and called my manager Monique to tell her what was going on.  In the middle of that call I got a call from my doctors office telling me they made an appointment with a high risk specialist for me at 1:15 PM or something like that.  I agreed and called my manager back telling her that I needed to leave and if she could bring my purse at my desk out to me.  I couldn't go back in there like this... I was crying so much.  How could this be happening?  Everything was perfect and there were no complications at all!

She came out and gave me a hug and told me everything was going to be okay.  How I wish that was true...

From then on, I met Eric at the apartment... those two hours of waiting for the doctors appointment seemed like the longest two hours ever.  We went to the doctors office with my parents meeting us.  I felt bad for them being there because I didn't think anything would happen and it was such a long wait.  We finally got seen and two hours we were told that my baby had a major heart defect.  I cried... is this for sure?  Yes, it was.  It was significant.  Significant. His heart would stop beating soon and I would have to deliver him when that happened.  Really?  I'd have to go through a labor and delivery still?  Yes.

He looked so perfect on the screen in front of his... his heart was still beating, which we thought was good.  From then on, everything happened so quickly...

That was Monday... Tuesday night I think his little heart stopped... Wednesday I had a doctor's appointment at 11 AM which confirmed he was gone... my baby was gone.  I only had less than four months left... but he left early.  There was no hope any longer.  No more hope at all.

I went to hospital right after that appointment, checked in, and delivered him the next evening.  At 6:13 PM.  One pound, One ounce, 10 Inches... my baby.  Cameron Conrad Exon-Garcia.  He had his dad's mouth and feet, and had my lips and nose.  I got to hold him for a moment.  Those memories will be the most precious of my whole life. 

I was in such distress... I still am.  I miss him every minute of every day.  I think about him constantly.  I was 21 weeks and four days.  Over halfway there.

I have his foot and handprints as memories.  They're beautiful and I look at them all the time.  I still don't understand why this happened.  I was looking forward to him and would have made sure he was happy.

It makes me angry hearing about people that are mean and don't provide for their children when I would have done that in an instant.  How can people treat their children like that when I never even had the opportunity to care for my baby?

We had a memorial for him at my parents house and planted a tree...

I still don't understand why this happened to me.  I don't think I ever will.  I do know that he's my angel and I will never ever forget him.  I love him more than words can ever express.  And I will make sure that his future brothers and/or sisters will know him also.  They will always remember him and he will be honored for the rest of my life.  Just because my son isn't here with me on earth, I will still celebrate him and honor his as best I can.

I wish things would have turned out differently... oh, how i wish.  I wish I could have been waking up to him screaming in the middle of the night, feeding him, changing his diaper, being his Santa Claus... but I can't.  But how lucky am I told have held an angel?  Very.


  1. Sending you ((HUGS)) and keeping you in my prayers.

  2. Debby sent me a link to your blog. So many of your words sound like i could have written them...I am so sorry to hear of Cameron's loss! With you on this journey!

  3. I am so sorry to hear of your loss,heartbreaking for we all want to hold our precious babies but not given that chance to hear them cry or breath for that matter.
    my blog:hhtp://

    Thinking of you

  4. Hello, I recieved the link to your blog from debby. I just wanted to let you know that I am so sorry for your loss, I am sorry that you have to endure the heartache of losing a child. but also know that you are not alone (which that helped me a lot, as i thought I was for a while) and there are many of us here to help you get through this. I pray that God sends you and your family comfort, even if for a moment.

  5. Im so sorry for your heartache..please continue to write your thoughts and feelings out and go easy on yourself. You will always be his mommy...huge hugs xoxoxo Nan

    This is my blog if u want to visit my triplet angels tribute

  7. @Laura - Thank you and I'm so sorry you had to be part of this same journey... one that none of us ever want to be part of. I read your stories and they touched me so much and bought a tear to my eye. I'm glad you're able to be the supporter now, instead of the one needing support.

    @Kulani - I'm so sorry for your loss as well... how I wish I could have heard how he sounded when he cried or been able to put him to sleep... we'll never know, but I am glad I got to hold him for a bit.

    @Shandrea - Thank you for your thoughts and you're right. Other mommy's blogs and their experiences do make me feel some comfort knowing that I'm not alone. It helps somewhat to know that they've felt what I've felt... just knowing that others understand. Thank you for your prayers.

    @Nan - I'm so sorry for your loss too... I read your story. The writing does help and I love being able to keep Cameron in others memories too.

  8. I'm so sorry for what you have experienced. It feels so unfair to have our children gone before us. It doesn't feel right. I wish you still had your baby boy. (((hug)))