Ups and Downs

Getting back to work put me back in a routine... and back into the interaction with other people.  It's good.  I'm smiling a lot and laughing... I think it helps that I was a smiler and laugher in the first place, so it comes naturally.  Although, I think it may be working against me now also.  I almost feel like I'm acting now... but not consciencely.  Last week was hard at work, but it was still new.  This week I'm back in the routine and actually felt like maybe I was finally getting to the "new normal" that I keep reading about.  There's actually times where I feel okay... and I wonder if those times that other mom's talk about would come to me.  Where they just feel down and start crying for no reason.

Well, those times have.  The last two days... I feel like I'm usually okay in the morning at work.  I think up until maybe two or three o'clock.  Once that time comes around, I feel a sudden sadness.  It's hard to explain, but an emptiness and heaviness within myself.  I felt like this last night and came home and cried a bit to Eric.  But today it it even harder.  I had been feeling that dreading feeling in me again... feeling that heaviness and emptiness that I'm missing something... which just leads to a deeper sadness.  But I was still going through the day and still working.  I was at my lead, Scarlett's, desk talking to her and she made a small joke, but I was already on the verge of crying at that point.  It wasn't the joke that made me cry at all. I really wasn't... but all of a sudden, tears just formed and wouldn't stop again.  I felt terrible.  I know she did too and I felt bad about that.  I just felt so overwhelmingly sad.  She told me that if I needed anything, to ask her and asked me what she could do to make things better or something like that.  I think I replied, or at least I know I thought it, something like, "You can't make things better... no one can."

No one can make things better.  Isn't that crazy?  There are so few things, if any, in life that are not able to be fixed.  I remember when I was 17 and broke up with my first boyfriend and thought the world would end... I thought I'd never get over it.  Little did I know what pain really was.  Losing your baby... your child... your hopes and dreams... your heart.  That is something you can never get over.  That is something you can never stop thinking about.  And yeah, you can get back to that "new normal" of living without your child, but the pain will never go away.  It may hide, but it's sure to reappear sometime.

I actually thought that maybe I'd be one of the mom's that this pain didn't creep up upon and come back... I was wrong.  I was actually going to cancel the appointment with the counselor on Monday... but I'm keeping it now.

I miss Cameron.  I miss my baby so much.  I want to hold him again... I wanna look at him again.  I came home crying... Eric was here already and I walked in and went straight to Cameron's table and plaque of his prints and touched them.  I then walked to Eric and he hugged me and I just cried.  I couldn't stop... just cried in his arm with my purse still on my shoulder and started almost that wailing crying again that I had soon after his death.  I WANT MY BABY!  I WANT HIM BACK!  I MISS MY CAMERON!  This isn't fair.  Not fair at all....

How can I be so fine a few days and then have days like this of utter despair?

I asked Eric last night... is this really how my life is going to be for the rest of my life?  Am I always going to have bad days?  Am I never going to be completely happy?

I mean, really, how can I ever be completely happy when I'm no longer whole?