Stillbirth Awareness

Most know that I am working on my Master's degree in Social Work.  I absolutely love this degree.  I love that it encourages speaking out and being advocates for issues and people that need it.  And love that it's about having an open-mind and seeking justice and equality for all.  Which is why I was very disappointed this week in one of my classes.  

I am currently taking a policy advocacy class.  The professor was brainstorming ideas about issues that we will be advocating about in groups.  It's a pretty big thing, like making billboards, TV or radio ads, etc.  He was asking for the class to call out ideas and from then on, he would narrow them down into categories.  From the start, my idea was Stillbirth Awareness.  It's such a taboo subject.  No one wants to talk about it, people feel uncomfortable about it it and many people do not recognize the baby that was born as an actual person or loss.  It's a very passionate subject for me for obvious reasons.  And it bugs me that I have a death certificate for my baby boy Cameron, but no birth certificate.  How can someone die without being born?  Why isn't that recognized by the government?  

So, I was sitting in my chair, getting more and more anxious as people were yelling out ideas.  I kept toying with whether or not I should say what I wanted to advocate about.  I kept thinking in my mind about whether it was too person, whether it was too uncomfortable for people, etc... but then though, this is WHY it needs to be advocated for.  For those very reasons!  And then I got nervous - what if the professor rejects the idea or others?  In the end, the issue was too personal and important for me to pass up.  I needed to say it so I did.  The professor was very responsive and talked about an abortion video (of all things!!!) after I bought up Stillbirth Awareness.  I don't think he understands, but again, why we need awareness...

I felt so much better after saying it.  I relaxed and my mind was at ease.  That is until we had to narrow things down and the professor wanted to vote for things by show of hands.  All of a sudden, I felt tense and tears building up.  How can we erase something of such importance to someone?  I heard a comment by someone in the row behind me, "I'm not even going to touch that stillbirth one."  Come on, people!  We are supposed to be social workers!  This whole process did not seem like it took people's feelings into consideration.  Not very social worky, if ya ask me!  

Two students went up to the board and read off the list, waiting for hands to raise and be counted as each one was read.  The list:  Veterans, Unseen Disabilities, Child Welfare, Domestic Violence Against Men, Nutrition and Play in School, Transgender rights, Cultural Stigma, Previously Incarcerated, Legal System, and of course, my odd one out:  Stillbirth Awareness.  All got at least four votes... when they read off Stillbirth Awareness, I saw the person look around the room as to count several votes, but when she wrote the number on the board, it was 1.  One.  Just me.

I held back my tears as best I could.  I was hurt.  This is what I was afraid of.  How could something so important to me, something that I lived through, not be important for anyone else?  How could my baby be ignored?  It was personal to me, and that is why I was afraid to speak up.  And regret speaking up.  I felt my face get red, my eyes hurt from tears urging to get out, and knew I couldn't speak for fear that my voice was gone.  My heart was racing... I was about to leave the room to have a good cry, but then the professor went straight into voting for which policy we wanted to advocate for out of the ones that were left on the list.  The one's that actually got votes... not just one vote.  

It took me a few minutes to recover... but then I had to think about it from a different aspect.  THIS IS WHY STILLBIRTH AWARENESS IS IMPORTANT.  This just proved it to me and has changed my mission as a social worker.  This is huge, guys!  Why are people so uncomfortable about this?  It happens so often and I want to talk about my baby, like I talk about Ethan and I hear others talk about their babies.  Why can't I talk about Cameron without others feeling weird?  He is my baby.  I went through labor and delivery and had him.  I held him.  I touched his perfect little hands and feet.  He was real.  He is real.  And he will always exist in my life and heart.  

So, that leads to my next topic... Return to Zero.  A movie about this very issue.  It's reairing this weekend.  Please watch.  Get a glimpse into my experience.  I'm one in four.

Mother's Day

I had Cameron on September 1, 2011.  My first Mother's Day was in May of 2012 and it was hard.  I was anxious, worrying if anyone would even acknowledge me as a mother.  I was a mother, after all.  Even if my baby wasn't here with me.  My best friend, my parents, some of my extended family, and my husband did.  It made me feel good, but wishing I had my son with me.

I don't even remember last mother's day, but I know the same people acknowledged it for me and I just went through the motions.

Tomorrow will be my first mother's day with a baby here to celebrate it with me.  So, why am I not excited?  Why do I not "feel" like it's mother's day?  Why do I not feel it's for me?  My husband mentioned that maybe it's because it's always been a sad day for me in recent years.  I hadn't thought about it, but it made sense.

I have my rainbow.  I'm blessed to have him arrive healthy and alive and beautiful!!!  I love him so much.  But I'm also so afraid all the time.  I'm afraid he's not safe, that something can still happen... that he's still not completely all mine.

I told Eric I would make an effort to get excited about this mother's day.  I went shopping and bought a new outfit.  I have been trying to think more about mother's day and tell myself to get excited... weird, huh?  But I'm still not there.

Tomorrow I'll be going to church, then going to brunch with my family.. oh!  and it's my brother's birthday too!  He'll be 30.  And somehow I haven't thought about that much either.  This is my first mother's day with my baby on earth with me.... I wish I could be excited and happy.  I'm trying for this little guy:

He's Here!

My rainbow has arrived.  Ethan Paul.

I won't lie.  The pregnancy was not easy.  I was in pain from week 15 and showing!  And the pain just progressed.  On top of that, I got diagnosed with gestational diabetes, which it turned out wasn't that bad.  But the worst part of the pregnancy was the anxiety.  I was so scared that he wouldn't arrive alive.  I bought a doppler, which was a lifesaver to me in the beginning.  Even at the end.  But I was constantly on edge that his heart would stop beating.  I didn't feel assured until I held him in my arms and saw him alive.

I think I actually told my husband when I held him in the delivery room, "He's alive!"

I look at him and am overwhelmed by him.  I can't stop looking at him.  He's beautiful and he's mine and he made it.

I think of his brother Cameron and wonder if he has some of him in him... he has to, right?  I wonder if he knows Cameron... if Cameron told him about me and his dad.  And then I realize there is too a guilt.  A guilt that I feel this strongly about another baby when I don't have my Cameron here.  But I know Cameron would want this.  I love Cameron so much and miss him more than anything.  But when I look at Ethan, I can see parts of Cameron in him... I think of Cameron's hands and feet and compare them.  And it's corny to say, but I become very emotional thinking of him growing up and losing his innocence!  He's so perfect right now and knows nothing of the evils of the world.  And he's growing so quickly... Not even two weeks old yet, but changed so much.

I'm happy he's here.  Happy to be his mommy.  And happy that Cameron has a little brother.

Long time no see

I've been pretty absent from this blog.  With school, full-time job, internship... and being pregnant, it's been hectic, to say the least.

Yes, I'm pregnant and due any day now.

For those that visit my blog due to your baby being born still also, I know it's difficult to see others write that.
I'm having a boy... he is going to be Cameron's little brother.  His name is Ethan.

I have been going crazy this whole pregnancy... even now.  I'm 37 weeks this week.  And still worried that he will not make it.  I know it happens.  I know some of you have been this far, and further and not got to hear your babies cry.  I'm so scared of that happening again... I will not be relieved until I hear Ethan cry and come out moving and loud!

I wish I could have him now.  The docs keep saying he's safer in my stomach at this time then out in the world.  But is that really true?  I know ya'll understand.

So, until next time... that is a bit of an update.

Why Me?

I've asked this a lot.  Still do.  I wonder why this happened to me.  Why mothers that drink and do drugs and abuse their children were allowed to have their children.  I miss Cameron.  I hate that I never got to hear him cry or laugh.  I never fully got to kiss him... his skin was too fragile for me to try.  And for some reason, it has given me more faith that I had before.  I guess I was at the end of my rope and had nothing else to believe in.  I saw this on Facebook and thought it was so beautiful:

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of angel babies are chosen? Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger. Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a angel baby."

God's angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a one of my precious angels to a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have the patience to endure such hardship?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in the mother of an angel. You see, the child I'm going to give her lives in a world of its own. She will have to realize it lives in another world, and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even can live through this."

God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just the right amount of selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from her angel baby occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with an angel less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word from anyone. She will never consider a minor step ordinary. She will never hear her angel says 'mama' for the first time, she will never be a witness to that miracle. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see – ignorance, cruelty, prejudice – and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

Hummingbird

This weekend, Eric and I were sitting on the couch watching TV when I saw a hummingbird come to the sliding door windows that lead to the backyard.  I was so surprised!  It came right up to the window and buzzed around looking inside a second and then flew away.  I had never seen a hummingbird come that close... or even see a hummingbird, really.  I was amazed.  And for some reason, I keep thinking about it.  So, today, I finally looked up the meaning, wondering if the hummingbird meant something and I was astonished by what I found. 

I found this on a blog A Light In The Darkness:

It is also a symbol of love, joy, and beauty. The hummingbird is also able to fly backwards, teaching us that we can look back on our past. But, this bird also teaches that we must not dwell on our past; we need to move forward.

The hummingbird has powerful spiritual significance. In the Andes of South America the hummingbird is a symbol of resurrection. It seems to die on cold nights, but comes back to life again at sunrise.

Hummingbird is the creature that opens the heart. When the hurt that caused us to close our hearts gets a chance to heal, our hearts are free to open again.
They teach us courage. Having the courage to refrain from creating new trauma by communicating non-violently toward ourselves and others is an important part of healing. Recovering lost parts of ourselves enables us to become healthily independent.

It is not commonly known that the fluttering wings of the hummingbird move in the pattern of an infinity symbol - further solidifying their symbolism of eternity, continuity, and infinity.

Seeing the meaning of the hummingbird means more to me now... maybe Cameron was trying to tell me something with the upcoming arrival.  My mom keeps thinking of resurrection and the new baby being part of Cameron.  I know he's a part of Cameron because he's mine, but I wonder if he knew Cameron.  It's been hard to open my heart because of Cameron and the miscarriage after him... but it's slowly getting there.  As for courage... I feel anyone that has gone through this automatically has courage, but it's the part of creating new trauma that is hard.  You can't forget what's happened, but trying to live the best we can to get through it.  The symbolism just seemed so perfect.

My Wishes

It's been a while since I've updated.  School has kept me very busy along with other stuff.  I moved this weekend and got a new job a few months ago.  I was also interning... so I was extremely busy.  But I just talked with someone and needed to get down some thoughts I had:

My wishes for you... Ethan (right now)

1.  For you to be healthy
2.  For you to be alive
3.  For you to get to experience me as your mom in this life.
4.  For me to get to hold you and hear you cry and laugh
5.  For you to have the best life possible... I will try my best for you
6.  For me to be there to see you grow up
7.  For Cameron to be watching us and know that I am always thinking of him in everything I do, and I will ensure that you know about your big brother and how you are so lucky to have your big brother as an angel watching over you.  Most people don't have that.
8.  For Cameron to know that he will always be my first son.  And I cannot wait to see him and kiss him and hold him again.
9.  For Cameron to know that I will never forget him.  You are not replacing Cameron and you never could. You are your own person.  And while Cameron may see that I love you and cherish you and give you everything I can all the time... I hope he knows I would have done the same for him.  And I try my best in this life to honor him even though he's in heaven.
10.  For you to love me.
11.  And for me to love you as I love Cameron.

I had bad feelings throughout my pregnancy with Cameron.  I haven't had much with this baby, but I'm scared to have good feelings.  I am very aware of what can happen and know there is never a "safe" period. I am hoping that in November, I get to come home with my healthy and alive baby in my arms.  My rainbow.  I hate saying rainbow after the storm, because Cameron was not a storm.  But this baby will be a rainbow.

No Sleep.

The last several days I have had so much trouble sleeping.  It's five am right now and I'm still awake... luckily I don't work tomorrow, but I wanted to get things done during the day and now it looks like I may crash and sleep later.

Part of the trouble of not being able to sleep is how your mind doesn't sleep either.  It started out by looking up something on my computer and then I saw something titled Journal.  I opened it because I knew it was mine, but didn't remember what I had written.  But I knew it had to do with Cameron.  I opened it and then I remembered.  I started writing it about a week after I came home after delivering Cameron.  I realized that I wanted to remember every single thing possible about his delivery and the days after and in my state of mind at that time, I knew it would be difficult for me later on.

So, I started actually writing on paper from August 28th... when my world went upside down.  Then I moved on to the computer... struggling to remember everything that happened, but typing in chronological order.  Rereading right now... gosh... it was so sad.  And got me so angry again about how some people reacted.  And thankful for my parents.  But mostly sad.  I'm thinking about posting a few things I wrote on here... I had forgotten how much I ached to hold him longer... how much I was wanting to at the funeral home... and how I finally felt like a mom for the first time at the funeral home!  Isn't that crazy?  But they were really... and almost are the only people even NOW, that have treated me like a mother.  That funeral director was so sweet to call Eric several weeks later to see how I was doing and told Eric they had a necklace they wanted to give me.  It was a golden cherub told hold Cameron's ashes.  So sweet of them.

There was one point, and I think I wrote about it in this blog a while back, where Eric and I came home the day after I delivered him and we were laying down and I was almost going to sleep, but woke up suddenly and sat up because Eric grabbed my hand, but I swore that it felt like a baby's hand grabbing mine... it was only Eric, of course... Oh gosh, I was in a such a bad state then.  I didn't think my grief would end. 

It still hasn't.  In the middle of class last week, I suddenly started thinking about Cameron's hands and feet and how they felt.  And I kept trying to remember it... I had to leave class for a bit and cried in the restroom.  I miss him so much... I want to feel him again. 

Here's a snippet of what part of my journal was from the day after I delivered him... I wrote this this about a week after, but it was about that day, September 2, 2011:

There was also a bracelet made with his name Cameron Conrad Exon-Garcia out of beads and a paper ruler, I guess to show how big he was… 10 inches.  Also a little book of all this prints and info and bracelets.  My baby.  This box is pretty much all I have of him… isn’t that sad?  He’s my baby and I have him in a box.

When it was time to leave, Leah told me to get my stuff ready… we were getting all the things packed when she came in with a wheelchair.  The closer it was getting time for me to leave, the more I didn’t want to.  How could I?  This hospital was where I spent the only time I would ever be able to spend time with my poor baby.  I will never be able to see him anywhere else, but this hospital.  I felt like I was abandoning him.  I wasn’t supposed to leave the hospital without a baby.  The baby was supposed to come with me… but yet, I have empty arms.  I asked for a moment alone before I left… the nurse somewhat hesitated and told me they would wait outside.  I cried and cried.  I didn’t want to leave…. It wasn’t supposed to be like this!  Not at all!  How could this happen?!  I loved him so much and I couldn’t do anything.  I couldn’t do anything.  I failed.  I couldn’t protect him and now I was leaving him.  This was where I spent the most precious moments of my life… with my precious baby.  And I had to leave it.  I stood by the crib he laid in and touched it and tried to remember everything from the night before.  There was a brown napkin, like the ones from school, in there that had his name on it.  I took it for another momento… I’m grasping at momentos since I have so few… I had so few moments with him to cherish, but I had to cherish all I had.  I looked around the room and tried to grasp the reality of what had happened the night before… I gave birth to my baby in this same room.  I felt like it was a different room, but it wasn’t.  I just cried and cried… I didn’t want to leave.  I went to the door to finally exit and the nurse Leah had already begun opening the door.  This made me more mad also… how can you be rushing me out of here?  Yes, I was as ready as I was going to get to leave, but I didn’t reach for the door yet, Leah did.  I sat down in the chair and Eric put all the things in the back of the chair and got the rest of my items out of the closet and my pillow.  

I was rolled without seeing any of the healthy babies crying, but once I got to the lobby area there was a girl in pajama pants walking around with another girl with her IV thing.  I kept looking at her and just knew that she probably just gave birth to a baby and was happy inside.  I wonder if they knew.  I wonder if they saw my tears and how sad I looked.  I wonder if they wondered why someone was so sad on this floor… afterall, this was the maternity ward… this was a happy place.  All the mommies are supposed to be happy, yet if they looked at me, I was the complete opposite.  Could they guess? 

Another Angel Mom

I've mentioned it before, but I credit so many other angel mom's for being able to function.  I will never say "get over" because I don't think anyone can get over the loss of their child.  The only thing that helped me was reading other mother's experiences and their feelings... I finally felt I wasn't alone.  And I wasn't crazy.  These mom's felt the way I did... unfortunately.

I met someone today at my internship named Jane.  She asked me why I decided to go back to school and I told her about Cameron.  She smiled and said her daughter passed four years ago in a car accident.  She told me about her daughter and how much she missed her and both of us had tears in our eyes.  I'm sure the other guy intern in the back of the car felt a bit uncomfortable!  lol... but he was a trooper and even touched my shoulder and gave me some relief when I told them about my guilt for wanting a girl instead of a boy. 

It amazes me how many women I have come in contact with just in my daily life who has lost their child... One of the other interns also had her son named Andrew six years ago who was born still.  She has a tattoo of of a teddy bear and his name and it was something we could bond over.  I told her about Molly Bears, the organization that makes weighted bears in the weight of your baby that is in heaven.  She said she told her mother about them and thinks she's going to get one.

I was able to ask the other intern questions I hadn't asked anyone else because I haven't met anyone I saw on a daily basis that went through something similar to my experience to get the comfort level to ask questions.  I asked how she answers when people ask how many children she has... she said three, one who passed away and two others.  She said he was here and she acknowledges him.  I felt comfort in that because I always answer one.  I can't fathom denying Cameron's existence and I know it may make others uncomfortable, but that's not my problem.  He's my son and I want to acknowledge him.

Jane, the lady who's daughter had passed four years ago, told me when we said goodbye that it gets easier, but it's not something anyone could get over.  And then sometimes she meets someone like me, and she loves talking about her.  I love talking about Cameron.  When she was telling me about her daughter and her personality and quirks and stuff, I just kept wishing that I had stories like that of Cameron to remember.  All I have is how he looked in my arms... his tiny smirk that reminds me of Eric... his flat tiny feet... his perfect nails and toes.  He was such a beautiful baby that never got to experience life on this earth.

Jane told me that her son had a baby and she sees so much of her daughter in him.  When her daughter was in the car accident, something happened to her heart and her grandson was born with that same defect.  Luckily the grandson is doing good now, but how odd that her grandson was born with the same defect that her daughter had.  She said her grandson is extremely attached to her... makes you wonder.

I don't think I would want Cameron to be reincarnated, if that's even possible.  I want him with my grandma and Puffins in heaven.... I want to see him when I get there.  I don't want to wait any longer once I get to heaven... and I want to see him in his true form.

This is a video I found of Jane's daughter Kara.... it's a tearjerker.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9qoly_r-i-p-kara_people

Reminding myself.

I started this social work program in dedication for Cameron.  And I keep having to remind myself that during these challenging sessions through my internship. 

I am not having the best experience at my field placement.  It's a brand new program starting up that I do not feel is really helping people.  All the suggestions I have made have kinda been shunned and the boss favors two of the other interns.  My field laison from my school talked to them about the issues and now I am feeling retaliation.

I think a lot of it is coming from my work experience.  I've worked since I was 16 and have worked for major corporations and have made a pretty good salary.  And now I'm kinda back at the bottom as an intern.  And I hate being treated like I'm just starting out and a kid.  I'm not, dangit.  I just turned 30!!! 

So during my field training class yesterday, I covered my whole paper with messages to my Cameron and his name, and writing that I am doing this for him.  I keep having to remind myself because otherwise, I think I'd just withdraw.  That's how much I am unhappy over here.  I'm keeping the placement anonymous and all the details pretty broad for confidentiality purposes... but gosh, it's going to be an effort to be there till August.  But for you my baby Cameron!!!  I'm doing it... 

Haitus

Since I started working on my masters degree, I haven't updated this blog as much as I planned to.  I think it also helps that I am in a different place in my life now. 

I don't cry when I talk about Cameron.  My eyes may get watery a bit, but no tears.  I am now okay with this.  I used to feel guilty, but working on this degree has channeled my sadness into my work.  I started in Social Work for the purpose of dealing with grieving parents.  I still would love to deal with them, but I also know if that doesn't happen, I am going to help so many people with my MSW.  And every single person that I help will be because of Cameron. 

Right now I am doing my internship at the food bank and I'm challenging myself to make it a program that is more supportive of those looking for jobs since I am assigned to the workforce division.  Cameron is always in the forefront of my mind.  He's my baby.  I actually meant another intern there who met her first social worker when she had her baby who was born still.  How amazing how these babies in heaven are still making their marks in other peoples lives and it's a trinkling down effect....

So, my point of this is just to say that I probably will not be updating this as much.  I still will, but it'll be like the last several months of once a month or so.

I'll still leave it up because I don't know who will come across it.  When I first out that Cameron wasn't going to make it and the doctor gave me options on what to do, I went online and that is when I came across the blog community made by grieving mothers... and it helped me decide what to do and helped me with the process afterwards.  I wish I could find those initial blogs I found that helped me make my decision.

So, just a note... heading to my next class soon. 

Barbara Bush on Today recalling her daughter

Barbara Bush recalls daughter’s death: ’I saw her spirit go’

I needed to share this video.  It touched me so much.  I know Cameron will be the first person I see when I leave this earth and I can't wait to hug and hold him.  

So Many Things...

I started a new job as a data entry person.  It's absolutely perfect for me.  It's part-time and I get to make my own hours... plus, it's easy.  Working on this master's degree is taking its toll on me.  I really had no idea is was going to be this much work... physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I think I had mentioned it in my last blog, but I wasn't feeling as sad as I used to.  But then last week in my Human Behavior class we were talking about babies that were born addicted to crack or any type of drugs, really.  Throughout the discussion, I was having to hold back tears.  Luckily, a break was immediately following that and I went outside and called my friend Adriana crying.

It's so frustrating to me... and I don't understand it.  I'm still not at 100% believer in God, but I am trying to be.  I feel that is the only way I can see my Cameron.  But I have so many questions.  If God was real, why would he put someone through all this pain?  Why would he allow mothers that do drugs and drink throughout the pregnancy to have their LIVE baby at the end?  And why not me??  I didn't do stuff like that... I would have been a great mom... I miss my Cameron so much.

Then on the way to work today, I saw a funeral procession and that got me thinking of Cameron again.  Wondering who was in that casket.  Wondering if it was someones child.  Wondering how the family was feeling that was in the limo following the hearse.  Normal people don't think like this!

I even had a dream about two nights ago that some lady was pregnant and I touched her stomach and had a vision (in my dream) that she was having twins.  She got very excited, but then I told her that they weren't going to live and something was exploding in her.  I kept saying that over and over... that something was bursting.  But I saw the twin babies in a sonogram in my dream clearly...

At my new job, the owner brings her daughter there... she's probably about one years old.  Just about what Cameron would have been... I hear her laughing and smiling and walking around.  And always wonder if that's how Cameron would have been.  It's hard for me to look at her.  I'm trying.  I know I need to get over this fear of mine... this anxiousness about being around little kids.  I want to and I need to.

I always wonder what Cameron would have looked like now.  What his smile would look like.  What his laugh would have sounded like... how his legs would have looked like?  Would they be chubby?  Would he be fast to learn walking?  What would his first word would have been?

It's just a constant thing... over and over...

But there's one quote I saw that summed everything up:

Grieving the loss of a child is a process,
It begins the day your child passes
And ends the day the parent joins them.

~B.J.Karrer  

I'm a Mrs.!

I am married!  Cameron's parents are married!

I hope Cameron was with us and saw his parents take their vows toward each other. 

Eric and I got married on October 20th, this past Saturday.  At the beginning of the ceremony, we lit a memorial candle for those that have passed, and made a special prayer for our son, Cameron. 

I even kept on Cameron's necklace with his ashes throughout the wedding. 

Oh, my baby Cameron... you have changed my life so much.  Your dad is one of the best men I have ever met.  And the sweetest to me.  You've changed my career path... I am now working on my Masters in Social Work for you.  And now I am married to your dad! 

The wedding was beautiful.  For the most part.  There was drama at the end at the sort of "after party" in Eric and my suite.  We had people come up to continue celebrating with us, but the drama did not ruin our wedding, though people are still talking about it. 

I want to thank my parents sooooo much for this wedding. They really tried to make it the wedding of my dreams and if I had calmed down and didn't rush, I would have actually enjoyed it more and took it all in!  But I was so rushing through the whole thing... I don't even think I looked at myself in the mirror!  lol

So, now I am a Mrs.  I'm keeping my last name though... and I'm happy to know that Cameron can see his parents unite in their love for each other.

Been Busy

It's been a while since I wrote, but I have so busy.  I started working on my Masters, which I love, working, and planning for my wedding coming up this weekend!

This Masters degree is really taking up way more time than I thought it would.  I had no idea it would take this much and these many projects.  Way more than law school ever took from me.  So, I have quit my job.  And I feel good about it.  I felt bullied in my department and felt I did a considerable amount of the work without recognition.  It was tiring and putting a huge toll on me that I did not need.

Luckily, my fiance encouraged me and supported my decision to quit.  I am so lucky to have him.  I know it's going to be a struggle for us, but it's also for the best. The more and more I get into this degree, the more I realize that I am in the right place.  This degree fits me so well, it almost frustrates me that I didn't know about social work before!  :)  And, it's all because of my Cameron. 

So, this weekend I am getting married!  We will be doing a memorial candle before the ceremony starts to symbolize those that passed in our lives... and especially for my baby Cameron.  Oh, Cameron... everyday I think of him.  Everyday I worry if I'm forgetting him, but I know I'm not.  I'm not as sad as I used to be... and this kinda scares it.  It scares me because I feel that if I'm not sad, it's a form of forgetting.  But I know it's not.  I can never forget my angel.  I miss him all the time.  I think of him all the time....all the time.  When there is work in class I don't want to do, I remember that I am doing this for Cameron.

So, this was just a quick hello since I haven't written here for a while.  Next time I write, I'll be a Mrs.!

. . .

I was, and still am, very indecisive and hesitant about writing this particular blog...

I don't know if this is too personal or something I should keep to myself, but I thought about it more and the more I thought about it, I felt it was important to share.  Especially because of who I write this blog for.  I write this blog for those angel mommies out there.  Those moms that lost their children too soon.  Those that have no one else to relate to in their "real life."

When I first lost Cameron I felt that no one around me understood.  And it was true, no one did.  Until I found an online community of blogs and postings and groups of mothers that felt the same way I did.  They had the same feelings I did... some that I couldn't put into words.  I wasn't alone.  Someone else had to go through the same feelings and understood.

Eric and I found out that we were pregnant last Sunday.  I was scared, but super excited.  Like, beyond excited.  I knew it wasn't a good time.  I know I just started school and we're in a one bedroom apartment now, and we're getting married October 20th.  But I didn't care anymore.  I wanted this baby so much.  To say I was excited was an understatement.  Eric was too.  Through all the excitement though, I was scared.  How could I not be after Cameron?

I took about 12 tests... ha, yes, 12!!!  But reason being, half were coming out negative and the other half positive.  I know I was super early in my pregnancy.  I called my doctor first thing in the morning Monday and they sent me for a blood test to confirm.

It was confirmed!  I was pregnant!  Everyone at the office was super excited for me.  They too went through losing Cameron with me and saw my grief.

I immediately downloaded all the pregnancy apps on my phone to start tracking again... our baby was the size of a sesame seed!  I was already talking to him or her, and I had a good feeling about this pregnancy... a cautiously good feeling...  I went online and joined other pregnancy groups and was already looking at taking home outfits and baby picture props and outfits.  I couldn't wait.

I didn't want to tell anyone because I knew I was super early in my pregnancy and because of what happened last time... though with Cameron I was five and a half months pregnant when I delivered him.

Everything seemed to be panning out like it was supposed to.  I was confirmed pregnant, and coincidentally, the house across the street from my parents was for sale, which would be perfect since Eric and I are in school and would need babysitting.  I couldn't wait to hold and kiss this baby.

My doctor had wanted me to take additional blood tests every other day that week, I guess just to confirm the blood levels.  Wednesday was my second one, which I took during lunch.  When I came back from lunch I noticed I was spotting... I started panicking.  I called my doctor's office crying and they told me to come in right away.

Eric picked me up from work and we went to the doctor.  The whole time, everyone around me was telling me that bleeding was sometimes normal during early pregnancy.  I read it online too... gosh, I hoped this was the case.  Please be the case.

The doctor checked me out and even did a sonogram, but because I was so early on, he couldn't see anything.  He stated everything looked normal and good... and he even had a good feeling about this!  He stated my spotting was nothing and some women bleed throughout their whole pregnancy, and I was hardly bleeding.  Not to worry about it.

Whew.... I was so happy and relieved afterwards.  I felt so much better.  Everything was okay!  This baby is going to be okay!  :)

Thursday came and the spotting seemed to be getting more and more... I tried not to worry because the doctor did warn me that I was going to bleed more and heavier.  But I don't know... I just knew something was wrong.  A big clot came, but didn't hurt and didn't stain anything... I didn't know if this was part of the heavy bleeding the doctor had told me about, but I was nervous.

I called my doctor and felt like I was bugging them... I told the nurse who answered that it was me again and I know the doctor told me not to worry and I'm trying not to, but I am bleeding more... though he told me I would... but just wanted to see if they got the blood results back from the day before.  She told me they did and they were sitting on his desk, but it was a super busy morning so he hadn't had a chance to call.  But HE  would call me personally to tell me how they were.

Because the doctor was going to call me personally, I knew.... I just knew something was wrong.  Why would he call me personally?  I was nervous until that call... I was carrying my phone everywhere with me... finally about 1:10 PM, I went to the restroom, and that's when he called me.

I could tell instantly from his voice everything wasn't okay... he told me that he got the blood results back and it didn't look like good news.  He asked if I was bleeding more.  I said yes.  He said yes, my hcg levels came back at a FIVE.  A five!  That's super low... they dropped... a lot.  I was losing the baby... having a miscarriage.  I told him I knew... I had a feeling.  Then I started crying... what is wrong with me?  Why me?  What did I do?  Is this always going to happen?  Am I never going to have a live baby?

He reassured me that this was completely separate than what happened with Cameron.  Completely isolated incident.  Nothing to do with the other.  That a lot of women have miscarriages and most didn't even know they had them, especially this early in the pregnancy.  That I can still have another healthy baby... but he told me that last time and now look...

He told me to expect a lot of cramping in the next week or so... about five to seven days.  And I asked if I was just supposed to act normal... like just keep going to work and school while this is happening.  He said yes, sometimes, depending on the cramping... but because of all I've been through, he would write me a note if I wanted sometime off.  I hung up and cried.

I went to my supervisor at work and told her what happened.  I couldn't stop crying... it hurt so much.... another baby was gone.  Another hope and dream... I went home and cried.  And just laid in bed.  I couldn't do anything, again, to help my baby.  Was it because of stress?  I'm beyond stressed at my job... beyond... was it that, that made me lose this baby?  I kinda think it was... I don't know though... I know everyone will tell me it wasn't, but I think so and if so, it was my fault.  I couldn't protect he or she.

I had school that night too, but emailed my professor about what happened... hey, it's social work, they should understand.  And then I went to sleep.  My friend Melissa was calling me, I guess, but I didn't even hear my phone and even if I did, I don't know that I would have wanted to answer.  I was just wallowing in pain...

I called my friend Breanna and told her what happened... as I told her someone was knocking at my door.... it was Melissa.  She was worried about me since I wasn't answering my phone and even called Eric to find out if I was okay.  I am so thankful to find a friend like her... I have been very unhappy at my job... just so many issues and unfairness with the treatment of people in my particular unit , but I think that I may have been placed in this unit to meet her.   She bought me these flowers and a card:

It was so unexpected and so sweet.

I called in Friday... no way I could go to work.  And went for another blood test that day... still haven't gotten the results back from that one.

And today is Monday, and again, I'm home.  I don't understand how I can go on to work and school while in the process of losing my baby.  It doesn't seem right.

For the most part, I'm okay.  I'm sad, but I'm okay.  I just wish I knew what to expect.  I don't really know how long a miscarriage takes... or if I'm already done with it or if I should expect more... I don't know.  But I guess I'll find out.

This was supposed to be my rainbow baby.  I couldn't wait for my rainbow.  For those that aren't aware of what a rainbow baby is, it's the baby that is born after the loss of child through miscarriage or stillbirth... the rainbow after a storm.  I guess my storm isn't over, but I'll be waiting for my rainbow anxiously.

And Cameron now has company with him in heaven.  And I know he's taking care of his brother or sister.  I miss you my baby Cameron....

Happy Birthday, My Love

September 1st was Cameron's birthday.  I was anxious as the day was approaching.  Wondering if it would be just a regular day or if I would just completely breakdown.  The closer the day came, the more I realized how much harder it was becoming for me.  I was crying the days leading up to the 1st... and the actual first, I didn't do much at all.

I didn't want to be home.  Eric and I went to a bed and breakfast in town just so I didn't have to.  I felt maybe that would get me away... as we walked into our room, look at the bed sheets on our bed! 

Yes, I believe that was Cameron showing me he was with me still.

I have way more things to say that I don't know if I will yet... some things that have happened recently that I am dealing with right now.  I will write about it soon because I feel the need to share with other mom's that have gone through this.  I know reading about others experiences helped me the most... I will soon.

But right now, I just wanted to write a quick post saying that I miss Cameron.... I hope he's watching over us and I love you so much and wish you were here.  Happy birthday, my love! 

I'll be writing more this weekend... I think.

Remember to Breathe...

I felt like I had been doing a ton better the last month or two.  I felt better.  Even as Cameron's birthday was approaching on Saturday... I was actually wondering if it would have an affect on me.  Or if it would just be another day.  Stupid me.

Last night I started crying a lot... my first sign I wasn't going to take it well.

Right now I am home from work... I went to work this morning.  And now I'm home.  I had a panic attack.  I couldn't breathe.  Some girl at work had her baby and they were going to email out pictures.  My first thought when she had her baby was, "Great... her baby is good.  He's alive."  Isn't that sad that that's my first thought about a newborn???

My manager asked me first if I wanted to be included on the e-mail with the baby picture.  I said I'd rather not, but was thankful she asked me.  I thought it was okay, until I went back to my desk.  Then thoughts just kept running through my head. 

I kept anticipating when she was going to send the e-mail... then I'm going to hear everyone around me cooing and ahhing over the baby.... and he was born on the day that Cameron died!

Yes, one year ago today is when I truly believe Cameron passed away.  About 9 PM at night... I told Eric I felt him leave.  And it was confirmed the following day by ultrasound.  We had just heard his heartbeat the day before... it happened so fast.  So fast.  Too fast.

I just kept thinking and thinking... my baby was supposed to be here... my baby.  I couldn't breathe and started crying.  I went outside hoping to recover, but it didn't help and I took an early lunch.

So here I am... trying to breathe.  Remembering to breathe.  I sat in my car for about 30 minutes crying.  I hadn't cried like that in so long. 

I remember when everything first happened, I had such a sorrowful cry.... I would wake up in the middle of night WAILING... shouting, crying, yelling for my baby... just yelling for Cameron... crying for my baby... heaving and wailing.  That crying happened again today.  And oh my gosh... it just reminded me of everything.

I am dreading Saturday.  It's Cameron's birthday... his first birthday in heaven.  I don't know what I'm going to do....

A Boy

As of August 8th, 2012, it has been one year since Eric and I found out we were having a boy. 

No idea it had been that long.

I had a rough couple of days.  I was tempted to just not come back to work during lunch yesterday after just breaking down during lunch. 

One of my coworkers is pregnant.  I've done good ignoring it, but it also doesn't help that my coworkers seem to hate me.  So, they have no sensitivity to things.  Before I went to lunch they were just talking and talking about the new baby boy coming and all the plans and the 3-D ultrasounds and everything.... I was stuck in the middle listening.  I finally got up and just went to lunch.  And that's when I just cried....

I even tried calling K Love to talk to one of their pastors... that's how hard it was. 

I thought I was getting better?  But I guess these anniversaries creep up on you unexpectedly and hit you like a boulder.

One year ago, I was actually kinda mad I was having a boy.  I wanted a girl.  I felt so guilty for this after I lost Cameron... thinking that somehow it was my fault.  That I should have never been mad about this little fact.  I just want my little boy back!

I told Eric today that I don't care what we have next time... I'm not going to be picky.  Yet a little part of me wants a boy now... not to replace Cameron... NEVER.  But I guess to see what it would be like to raise a boy since I missed out with Cameron. 

Today they were also having two baby showers at work... both for two people that were expecting boys.  Wow, it's like it's all coming down on me now.  I luckily didn't go in because I don't know what I would have done.  And don't know how much further behind that would have put me.

Just a short note for the time being...

Remembering Cameron

I struggled with ways to remember Cameron after I lost him... Many mom's had memorial items they made for other angel mommies.  It was such a sweet thing to do and helped me memorialize Cameron.  I tried to think about something I could do, but could never think of a good enough idea.  Like other angel mommies, I had a hard time feeling the NEED to take care of my baby, but have no baby to take care of.  I think a lot of us start doing memorials and blogs in order to feel that need to take care and mother our babies.  This is the only way we have.  Christian's Memorial Beach is one that a mother made for her baby and she writes names in the sand during a sunset.  It's so beautiful and thank you for making me one for my son!  :)

As long as I can remember I have wanted to be a lawyer.  I went through my whole life and through college with the sole intent on going to law school.  And I went.  I was ecstatic about getting accepted and moving to Fort Worth.  It was my dream.  And I loved it.  At first.

As the second semester came, I realized my heart wasn't in it.  It wasn't what I imagined and it was super expensive.  And then I saw the job market.  I read tons of articles about law students that couldn't find lawyer jobs after they graduated with $150,000 in loans!  I just couldn't do it and I left back to San Antonio.  And I came back completely confused.  All my life I had planned on being a lawyer... and now I decided I didn't want to do that, so what was I to do?

I went from wanting to be a pilot to a teacher to back to being a claims adjuster.  I was just all over the place, but didn't feel that those were any that I wanted to make a career out of.  Then the regret set in of quitting law school.  I thought I shouldn't have.  I should have just stuck it out.  And although I know I wouldn't mind being a lawyer still, Cameron has showed me my real calling.  I figured this out shortly after I lost him. 

My doctor had referred me to a postpartum counselor.  I called her and told her what happened and she didn't seem to be very understanding... everything was business.  Plus, she was booked up for the next two months!  I asked if she had another counselor she could refer me to and she told me the only other one that specialized in postpartum counseling was her partner and she was also booked for about the next two month.  I was dumbfounded.  I live in San Antonio, Texas.  One of the largest cities and there's only two postpartum counselors here?  I did my own research online and found the same results.  I also looked in Houston and Dallas and found similar results.  This was crazy.

I was frustrated and sad and grieving... feeling all those emotions and needing a counselor... and wanting one that understood.  Yet, I would have to wait two months to speak to someone.  I ended up finding another counselor that a co-worker recommended to me... and it's worked out well, but I can't believe that I was having to deal with the dilemma of finding a counselor that specialized in my difficult type of loss on top of my grief.  It just didn't seem right.  I was crying out of frustration and didn't know what to do. 

I wondered how many other women had to go through this.  Had to feel the dread and sorrow of losing their child and then having no one to go to.  No one that understood them. 

I realized that this is what I wanted to do.  I want to be a resource for other parents.  For other people dealing with grief, but especially dealing with the loss of their child.  It's a totally unfair situation that we have to deal with.  And with no one to turn to immediately, it just seems to compound more and more...

I already had my bachelor's degree... so I applied to UTSA for my Master's in Social Work.  I was first going to go into counseling, but my counselor advised me that the Social Work master's program will give me better opportunities and is more respected in the community.  I so thank her for telling me this since I had no way to navigate on my new career path!

Just yesterday I got a response from UTSA that I was OFFICIALLY ACCEPTED!  

I am beyond ecstatic.  These last three days have been pretty hard on me... I've been stuck inside my home, sleeping all day.  I haven't felt like doing anything nor had any energy to do anything.  I know this is part of the whole depression thing... and I'm working on it.  It's just hard to overcome.  I will never wake up to Cameron's cry... and that's something I realize everyday I awake.

But now I am on a path to keep Cameron's memory alive and help other mom's and dad's that have to go on this terrible, unfortunate path that no one should have to go on.  Because of Cameron, he showed me my path in life.  I love you my baby.  I hope I can do good in your name.  I promise to try my best and make you proud.